Part XVI

My first memory of St. Innocent’s academy is being wakened in the morning (I arrived late at night) by a large hairy apelike figure jumping off the bunk above me and landing on the dorm floor with a thud. Half asleep I timidly peered into the dim room and the creature turned around and with a big grin said “hi, I’m Josh!” Joshua Mead was his name; a big teddy bear of a man from Oregon with copious amounts of curly hair and a gentle disposition.

I’m here and scared. I desperately crave the world just a smoke maybe a kiss. I know not whether I can break my will and follow these rules.

My journal 2-20-1999

There was a motley crew of students and staff and the Academy. Mr. Wood, second in command to Fr. Paisius and head of the work crews, was a mild mannered man, kind, simple and thoughtful – not given to over-spiritualize much. Mary DeLucia, Fr. Paisius’ wife, cooked for us. She would teach me quite a bit about cooking. I’ll never forget her tiramisu. Matthew Sutton, who was from the Atlanta community that I was born into (his dad is a priest too) was there, and my friends Brendan Shettig and Christopher Jones from Spruce Island and Platina where staff as well. A full list is on page 8 of the March 1999 issue of The Eagle the SIA newsletter.

 “I am in the depths of despair!” Said Anne. Marilla replied: “To despair is to turn ones back on God.” -Anne of Green Gables

Well seeing as my back is always turned on God

Despair comes naturally to me.
I feel only shame, not penitence, not humility
No compunction just a sick feeling.
3-24-1999

My early days at the Academy are a blur of manual labor and lectures, intense psychological and emotional changes, struggles with fellow students, Fr. Paisius’ rants. We lived on the edge all the time. Always tired, always busy. There was always drama. I was an emotional wreck, but I thought that this was exactly what the spiritual life was. I thought that this was what growing in the faith was. Turns out it was just adolescence in a cult.

A darkness churns deep within my soul
It lurks in foul stench and sickness there

And waits like the demonic troll.

Searching for this darkness within this darkness

I will, it seems ne’re end my search

And my soul shall ‘ere be in unrest.

3-24-1999

I am beginning to hate my

personality, a crude

confused and obnoxious

person loud scattered

far removed from God

3-28-1999

Fr. Jonas Worsham was the priest serving SIA. He and his wife Joan Marie were good people that went way back to the Order days with my parents. They ran a restaurant called the Captain’s Chair above Monk’s Rock. I worked there as a prep cook at one point, but My first job was mudding and taping a basement. I learned on the job under Mr. Wood. We did so many odd jobs, to be honest I don’t remember many of them.

Fr. Jonas was our priest, but no one had any illusions about who was the spiritual leader. Whether student or staff you were under Paisius, and we all obeyed. I was completely open to him. Steeped in the lives of the saints and the spiritual traditions of Platina and the Order I became his disciple, in fact later in my time there I would practice revelation of thoughts with him. I will in detail later.

I spilled my inner most sin to Father Paisius.

Why do I have to be such a detestable person.

All of my “good” qualities seem to be turning out to be defects.

At one time I thought I could sing, but I can’t.

Everything I put my hand at seems to turn out to fail,

Music, karate, silence, chastity, prayer, relationship with God, art, and a relationship with my family.

My life is a downward spiral of lost innocence and

Bad dreams.

– excerpt from my journal, no date

Teen angst and self hate in an Orthodox Christian context. Good stuff. When I think back on my first few month there I am struck by how powerfully they impacted the rest of my life. Most of my self doubt and self hatred, uncertainty and insecurities – typical psychological and emotional patterns that if not properly worked through can significantly impact one’s mental health – became solidified then as part of a healthy normal Christian spiritual life. Self loathing was humility, self doubt: discernment. I was being remade into a “Christian man” and the first step was humility in obedience.

Next time I will elaborate on the indoctrination process further.

For now I’d like to leave you with these three quotes from my journal:

Frozen here with only the wanderings of the mind to live in. This life is death and in this death I am told to find life? Where is this life, where is this peace, I take this pain only to receive more in return? Oh truth were is thy victory Oh God reveal this unto me.

– around Pascha (early April)

Why can’t I trust God? I know I’ve just got to hold on it feels like all I’m doing is becoming a “good guy” again. Well if that is all there is, then forget St. Innocents Academy!

God! I’m here and I’m not moving until I get your blessing

4-21-1999